"Jackie"

I'd be curious to see if I can get my time WAY down for something like this...

I'd like to use this as a big benchmark... hmmm...

Autumn n' Fall.

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

- George Eliot

From Anna Marra.

Currently a sick nugget.

Being nursed back to health by a RIDICULOUS amount of sleep and a wonderful man who will not let me stop drinking tea and eating soup.

wriiiiiists.

http://www.cathletics.com/gallery/video.php?videoID=114

These are some stats I want to remember.

CROSSFIT TOTAL

Dave Lipson: Squat 550, Press 215, Deadlift 635. Total 1400lbs
Jason Khalipa: Squat 445, Press 240, Deadlift 535. Total 1220lbs
Kristan Clever: Squat 270, Press 115, Deadlift 335. Total 720lbs
Katie Hogan: Squat 245, Press 115, Deadlift 320. Total 685lbs
Elyse Umeda Squat 275, Press 105, Deadlift 295. Total 675lbs
Rebecca Voigt: Squat 215, Press 105, Deadlift 350. Total 670lbs
Kim Malz: Squat 235, Press 95, Deadlift 275. Total 605lbs

Running, my Ebenezer.

I can't call it my nemesis cause I'm gonna get better at it. I will call it my Ebenezer.

1 Samuel 7:12

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.”

nem·e·sis

   [nem-uh-sis] Show IPA

–noun, plural -ses  [-seez] Show IPA.

1.

something that a person cannot conquer, achieve, etc.: Theperformance test proved to be my nemesis.

2.

an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best orovercome.

3.

( initial capital letter ) Classical Mythology . the goddess ofdivine retribution.

4.

an agent or act of retribution or punishment.

Origin: < L < Gk némesis lit., a dealing out, verbid of némein to dispense(justice); see -sis

MUSIC.

Lately... Lily Allen, Kate Nash, and the Gorillaz (so wish I was going).

ADORING my weekends lately. I am blessed.

Bear in mind that you should conduct yourself in life as at a feast.

Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)

Change and things.

"That it’s rough out there and chancy is no surprise. Every live thing is a survivor on a kind of extended emergency bivouac. But at the same time we are also created. … What do we think of the created universe, spanning an unthinkable void with an unthinkable profusion of forms? Or what do we think of nothingness, those sickening reaches of time in either direction? … Cruelty is a mystery, and the waste of pain. But if we describe a world to compass these things, a world that is a long, brute game, than we bump against another mystery: the inrush of power and light, the canary that sings on the skull. Unless all ages and races of men have been deluded by the same mass hypnotist (who?), there seems to be such a thing as beauty, a grace wholly gratuitous. … I think that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there." - Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

I'm grateful for a lot of things lately. Can't explain it... just really, really grateful.

A friend reminded me the other day that being rich has nothing to do with money. In that sense, I'm rich, folks. RICH, I tell you.

I've got days where I get to drink coffee in a quiet spot, afternoons where I talk to people I don't know about food, about Philly, and about just about anything. My nights are pocketed with visions of people conquering great heights, quelling small fears.

I can't ask for anything more.

Like everyone else I feel like I've just joined the world in breathing a collective sigh of relief to be feeling Fall. I'm on the cusp of being able to move out of a world of tile and weights and into a sweet hall where eels and plants used to be kept. I'm not really sure what this all amounts to, but every Fall I think of college, change, and seasons.

I couldn't live any where where seasons don't exist as I feel them in my bones and wait for them to shed layers of myself I think. So the question this September poses is... what layers am I waiting to shed?

Walking is good for thinking about layers. You start off cold and then wonder why you even bothered with the sweater in the first place.

We all need the process though. We all need cold, warm, cozy, and rainy. We need sometimes quiet, sometimes funny, sometimes goofy, sometimes serious, sometimes sad, sometimes curious... Each circumstance shapes us and I am busy putting things in my life lately to mold me. I've gone a long while without being intentional about the process of becoming, but I realize - the places you put yourself in, the ideas you rise with, you go to bed with... these change you, change your choices, change your moods, change you.

So I'm trying to choose wisely, I guess. And the more I put myself out there to be chipped up against, the more I learn about what I am willing to let go of, what I am never going to be rid of, and what I'd like to patch on.

I've been known to run away from what scares me and hey, sometimes this is important - like when my friend got held up at 40th and Market in broad daylight or when my other friend got held up in two relationships at once that were both completely abusive. Sure. Sure there are occasions to drop your purse and get the hell out of the way.

But when you are alone, and you are too busy thinking about what you hate, who hates you, and whether all of your life will be spent this way... it is better to pick up and just do something that will change you.

There are occasions when the thing you are scared of, the change you are freaking out about must be dealt with. You must calculate the risk... and take it. Sometimes, you have to just "try to be there". I figure this takes practice, just like Olympic Lifting and jumping on boxes. You rehearse bravery... you don't just become brave. It, like all things, takes practice. It takes letting go. But you must be there to bear witness to your own becoming.

Because summer is coming to a close and... I still had all of this on my camera.

Dear Rob Orlando,

Please make me as strong as you.

VERY sincerely,

Erin

ON YOUTUBE

ON VIMEO

Why I do what I do. :)

Moments like these and people like Stu.

“Women should be tough, tender, laugh as much as possible and live long lives.”

Maya Angelou (American Poet, b.1928)

My favorite movement. And who we are not.

You are not your body composition.

You are not your Squat PR.

You are not your tupper-ware.

You are not your marriage, your relationship, your lust.

You are not the people you love.

You are not the people you idolize.

You are not the people who love you.

You are not your children.

You are not your nationality.

You are not your family.

You are not your religion.

You are not your brokenness.

You are not your habits.

You are not your past.

You are not your future.

You are not the food you eat.

You are not the clothes you wear.

You are not the way you talk.

You are not your mistakes.

You are not your degree, your job, or your calling.

You are not even the skin you're in because that will fade too.

You are not yours.

You are not even your loneliness.

You are not your discontent.

You are not your anger.

You are not your goodness.

You are something far deeper, far more intricate, far more flighty, far more present, far more hard to pin down.

But you always are.

Forgiveness.

This is coming from the below: "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert : "In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, to combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy."

but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

That is what I feel I have been in intimacy - disappointed. And disappointment rises out of expectation. Expect nothing. Appreciate everything. Try not to get walked over. Let Go. Forgive. Learn. Move on. And the beat goes on.

Maybe it's culture that sets us up. Maybe it's me.

Someone very close to me has (in the past) expressed to me before that I have massively disappointed them. That's a hard thing to accept - especially if the way you are is a way that you need to be for a time. It's not a good feeling.

Still I think in the end, it's life that guides us to expect big things. We love mountains, horizons, shores, and prospects. It's embedded in us to love treasure, to hope for it, to expect it.

We expect loyalty. We cast a line out for friendship. Every step we take is a risk, not a promise.

We do this again and again and again - no matter how many times we are run into ground, no matter how many times we feel emotional pain so intense it's visceral, no matter how many times we lose faith and feel wrecked.

I used to think starfish and regenerated limbs were cool - but how do you regenerate hope?

I've been waitressing again and this experience, in spite of the running around, is something that keeps me humble and mystified by just how brave everyone in the world is. Some of the people I meet every day are incredibly brave. They wake up in the morning and meet the day... regardless of how they feel, regardless of the fact that there are dreams the size of Jupiter in their hearts - things they want to do, things they wish they'd never done, memories they are trying to forget.

Still, you meet the day.

I wonder if anyone else ever gets this feeling? Some people are absolutely fascinating to me. They are worlds of events, potential, and scars. It's like some crazy action movie where the hero gets pummeled by bullet after bullet but somehow manages to speak, to act, to live to die another day. How does everyone walk around living with a knife in their back? How do they do it?

And they do. Anyone I have ever met and had the time to get to know knows pain, knows what it's like to be betrayed, to betray another, to betray yourself. How do we do it? How do we live with ourselves?

We are ridiculously resilient.

I think I am beginning to understand that so much of letting go is bound up in forgiveness - something I don't really talk about much anymore, though I'd formerly practiced it (and believe me, that ish takes practice). I don't think we're asked to overlook all of this - because the people that refuse to believe they are broken are the weirdest of all, the least happy - but I do think we are asked to acknowledge that nothing is so bad that hating it will make it better.

And in the end too - I think forgiving yourself may be the hardest part.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

iofficiallyhatethis.

Hell hath no fury, and words.

I'll marry myself to the whole wide world
And never make her cry

-The Wailin' Jenny's

Your hips are just never too open.

DUDE. They just aren't.

See here.

Think on these things.

Going back to Cali: 25 lessons learned.

1. There are some things that are more important than CrossFit... and their names are Marco, Naomi, Taryn, Hannah, Sherry, and Marco.

2. Eating an incredible breakfast every single day of your life is a certain to induce happiness.

3. There are people in the world who wake up at 7am almost every morning... slip on a skin tight wet-suit, walk about 50 ft. with a board covered in a substance called "sex wax" and "surf" or literally ride the waves of the ocean. What???

4. I like shopping. I like shopping with Rachel Greengas more.

5. CrossFit is officially official (see the CrossFit Games).

6. When I leave CFCC people miss me. Whew. <3

7. When I leave CFCC Greg will not hesitate to call me at 7am anyway about somesuchthingoranotherthanksgreg.

8. A bad flight can make you completely forget how good a vacation is.

9. 3 layovers is not worth $100. Got it.

10. You think you're going to need 9 shirts, 4 shorts, 3 pairs of pants, 19 pairs of undergarments, 6 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, and countless other amenities when in California but what you really need is 5 good swimsuits, 3 dresses, a nightgown, some sunscreen, some aloe, a tube of toothpaste, a tube of shampoo, one pair of shoes, and a pair of sunglasses.

11. Biking still makes more than just my butt hurt. That said, I suppose I can now say that spin classes are good for something.

12. While reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert : "In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, the combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy." It's not depressing if you know what it means... it means you can get forgiven...

13. I have a lot of faults. I wrote them all down. I'm telling you... I have a LOT of faults.

14. At Sharkee's... when you get one of this you are really getting two. Just saying.

15. Apparently all is still fair in love and war.

16. Some day I would really love to buy a beach house for somebody.

17. I have decided to start writing and actively pursuing music again... this means... I can afford the aforementioned beach house.

18. If you're looking for a great place to stay and do almost nothing for a weekend... Manhattan Beach is your ticket. I will be back. To very resolutely do more nothing.

19. On some Midwest flights they give you two chocolate chip cookies. On others... one.

20. Ejote is corn covered in mayo, dressed with sharp cheese, and chile powder. Napkins required.

21. Shrimp ceviche and mahi mahi is what I want for dinner.

22. Whole Foods is so sad here. So very, very sad.

23. No matter how long you've known them... people will still surprise you.

24. You also get MONEY when you win the CrossFit Games... I forgot!

25. “Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” - J.R.R. Tolkien

And now... a post about an animal.

One of my favorite books when I was younger than I am now.

The world's largest animal, the funniest-looking-but-still-somehow-graceful ears.

A memorable moment in Disney elephant history (there are a lot of elephants in Disney World).

Elephant anatomy is also pretty freaking cool. I feel like Marcy Rose must know a thing or two about this.

And lastly, for serious... elephants have the largest brains on the planet... though they have poor eyesight they've been known to recognize themselves in mirrors (a somewhat weirdly-Narcissus-like sign of intelligence in the animal kingdom...), grieve, hold grudges, and play.

Sticks and stones.

Such a great piece of history, from a man who I think dealt with it so well. The whole speech is awesome... but the bit that I love is here:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt.

There's a lot to do in the coming months, the coming year... A LOT. And lately, in conversations with so many and through reading around... I wonder sometimes why I am where I am and how I got here. Why am I doing CrossFit? How has this whole thing become pretty much my whole life? Are there other phases? There are lot of other ways to train, ways to be fit, things to do... When do they happen?

I'm not entirely sure I have a full answer. I know that today I was exhausted from 5 hours of sleep (I kind of have no choice right now) and very busy running back and forth between a bunch of appointments... but I could not have been happier while coaching. I love this place. I love these people. And I am so proud of all of them.

That's more than worth it for now.

You know what I need?

I need to remember a little.

Some people know the Tribe of this era. It has grown into a wonderful place full of some stellar athletes and some incredible drive to perform well.

I feel like lately I'm remembering this era.

Before there was a dream about going to the CrossFit Games, before there was CrossFit Center City, before there was a whiteboard - there was a truck full of sandbags and small tires, a swinging pull-up bar, a very small schedule, years of Workouts of the Day, and a small group of very normal people.

What they say about most bad parenting in most cases is that it's really just confusion or miscommunication. You bring a child into the world and you are solely responsible for making sure that child learns the basics and is protected. The older they get however, and usually just at the time where they have the ability to take the most risks, the more you find that the child needs you less - and that you have become reliant upon being needed.

It is hard to let go. It is hard to acknowledge when a season is done.

What helps me - what has helped me - is thinking about it - remembering what it used to be like - and telling myself... it's so different now, I don't even recognize it... and I don't mind. How it is now is how it was always going to be.

If something is going to be really good - it is going to grow into it's own thing. You can't control it. You can't hold it back. It is growing because it is good.

I'm pretty sure Tribe has grown like that. It is the people that make it amazing, infectious, and a place where a normal person can begin to feel very special. It's a phenomenon of CrossFit - most of the time it's only the truly surprising people that put in the time.

I feel like a small part of me doesn't miss old Sunday Open Gyms... even though I thought I would. I don't miss when people would wonder over to Rt. 70 hungover and somehow ready to work out. I don't really mind that it's not my camera recording every moment - and it's not my fingers every Sunday typing out a long slew of PRs and things perfected on to the world wide web.

I'd hoped at the time that someone was watching our little Tribe of 15 or so people. I'd hoped that someone else would come in and join us. I dreamed really big dreams for such a small place - for so many beginners.

Every new person was like a world of their own - bringing a different dynamic to the week, challenging everyone in new ways, and causing everyone to hope for the Tribe that would eventually be.

So things change - they become what they are - and all of us have become better. It would be a mistake to think that hanging on to the past could somehow be a good thing.

Change, though frightening for whatever primal reason, is a good thing. It is how we get better. It is how we learn.

I have a lot of love for all of those days. I could go on forever about each and every person I can remember walking through the door. But remembering will only get you so far.

It's no less true today than it was then:

You’ll find, as I did, that excellence boils down to a simple truth: you’ve got to reject where you are before you can get where you’re going. You've got to be better than you were yesterday.

-Jon Gilson