Do not read if you are already sad.

Well I'm finally home. Sitting in bed. Listening to "You've Got Mail"... and wishing everything in life didn't come to an end at some point. I've been listening to Radiolab's recent episodes on "Death" and I really shouldn't. Especially when feeling as low as I am lately. But the bare truth is addicting.

And the truth is, I really, really, REALLY hate the idea of death...so much so that I call it an idea. I hate the death of anything. The end of a friendship, a relationship, a group, a business, a vegetable, a sweatshirt, a life. I'm attached - no matter how hard I try not to be. It's gutting.

I guess it's comforting to know that nothing ever dissipates into absolute emptiness. The rules of matter say that it goes somewhere. It's only a little comforting though. I myself enjoy consciousness as much as I complain about it. Sigh...

For the first time since forever...I didn't want to leave the gym. I didn't want to get on the train. I didn't want to go over the bridge. I didn't want to finally get to my truck. I didn't want the traffic on 38 to move smoothly. I didn't want to catch the green at Marne.

I just didn't want to.

And the only thing I know to do now is just not sleep, not eat, and watch the only movie that ever reminds me of being fine.

"People are always telling you that 'change is a good thing'. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened... soon it will just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city - the way it keeps changing on you or the way you can never count on it or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is - I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died... And no one can ever make it right."

-Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail