Icebergs.

Annie Dillard has written: “There is no such thing as a solitary polar explorer, fine as the conception is.” We do not face the world alone. We cannot.

But do we sometimes want to? Yes.

“The interior life is often stupid. Its egoism blinds it and deafens it; its imagination spins out ignorant tales, fascinated. It fancies that the western wind blows on the Self, and leaves fall at the feet of the Self for a reason, and people are watching. A mind risks real ignorance for the sometimes paltry prize of an imagination enriched. The trick of reason is to get the imagination to seize the actual world- if only from time to time.” - Annie Dillard

A sermon about Annie Dillard - a woman who I think I think like.

The question competition inspires.

Could I have done more?

For me, training is fun, even if you are there to get legitimate work done. Training is done with a plan to be better... but it is ok if the week just doesn't permit it. Training can be serious, but never so serious that you feel like doing well might be something imminently important to you. Training can be approached in a variety of moods and still completed. Training is done with some eyes on you but no one really minding what you do for better or for worse - it's just what you do.

But competition demands respect.

Competition demands your best. Competition demands a stern mind, a fueled body, a rested nervous system, and a standard. It demands a plan. It demands discipline.

On competition day, If you can't do it, you aren't going to do it. You aren't going to scale. You aren't going to get an extra second to run to the bathroom. You aren't going to get what you want because you're not having a good day.

And unlike when you train and you ask yourself "could I have done more?" and the answer is RARELY ever "Nope", competition makes that question feel deeply important. Because, after all, this is kind of your chance. It's your opportunity to take all of what you have done every 6am, noon, or 530p class and see what it is worth in numbers, and in contrast to everyone else who does what you do.

And whether you win, or you lose, you want your effort to be honest - you want it to be a real representation of WHAT YOU CAN DO.

So this is how the question always haunts me. I know my effort during competitions is very different than my effort during training (if only because I feel less pressured when training) - but that voice in my head is always the same, "slow down", "be careful", "it doesn't really matter", "you're already behind anyway".

Battling those small nudges is what bettering myself is ultimately about. Balancing them out is the challenge.

"Get rid of your fear of failure, your tensions about succeeding, you will be yourself. Relaxed. You wouldn’t be driving with your brakes on. That’s what would happen."

- Anthony DeMello